Unless the Lord had been my help...

Dear Lord and Heavenly Father,

Thank you so much for seeing my need and providing us the child exactly right for our family and situation at this time.  This is not our first adoption and I know the road of transition can be a truly rocky one, but You have provided such a smooth path so far and such feelings of well-being that Your grace is the only explanation.  I know that things will not always be this easy and I wake each day praying that I am prepared for when the other shoe may drop, but Lord, You have been so generous, so kind, and so in control of this entire endeavor that I can in no way doubt that You have each of our best interests in Your sights.

Today I read the following words and they spoke so directly to my heart.

Unless the Lord had been my help,

my soul would soon have settled in silence.

(Psalm 94:17)

This road You have placed before me is one that most people regard with unbelief.  So many respond with shock, amazement, disbelief, and even pity when I answer their questions of "How many?", "How old?", How long?"  Five children, deployment, no local family, multiple preschoolers - none of these things are what other people might envy.  But I do not view my life from any of those perspectives.  This is who I am and this is what You have provided me through Your mercy.  Even when I am at my lowest point and struggling just to make it through to "pajamas, potty and bed", I trust in what You have promised and know that You will never give me what I cannot handle.  Is this life hard?  Absolutely.  But in reality, whose life isn't?  And more importantly, I can do hard.  We can do hard.  If success for this mission wasn't possible, You would not have brought me to it for You know far better than I what I am truly capable of acheiving.

So, I thank you, Lord, for each day You grant.  I give thanks for each of the daughters you have granted me the honor of mothering in Your stead.  And I thank You again and again for the little boy You chose to create on the far side of the globe so that You could bring him home to our family, not through some act of charity or miraculous circumstances but because our family would never have been complete without him. I am humbled each day to witness his kindness, his love for us and his genuinely joy-filled heart and know that even though I am his mother I can take absolutely no credit for the young man he has already become.  You are in control, and You have been all along. You have created such a masterpiece that it is a blessing to each one he meets to catch even a glimpse of the purity of his soul.  And it is such an honor, as his mother, to merely stand by and watch.

My soul glorifies the Lord 

and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior, 

for he has been mindful 

of the humble state of his servant. 

(Luke 1:46a-48)

The truth of the matter is I am not worthy of having five children to raise, to nurture, or to teach Your ways.  I make mistakes daily, lose my temper, drop the ball, forget to pray, spend a lot of time feeling overwhelmed and often lead by example in the wrong direction... And yet You have chosen me to take on this challenge and to guide these children in the way You have directed.  I do not understand how exactly You have this planned, but I rest in the assurance that it is Your plan indeed.  For

Unless the Lord had been my help,

my soul would soon have settled in silence.

(Psalm 94:17)

So, I shall raise my voice and shout Your praise and lean not on my own understanding.  I will ride the highs and navigate the lows and hold onto Your hand as if for dear life as truly several lives depend on it.  I am open to Your leading, Lord, and I am trusting You to guide me.  For You never promised easy, but You have certainly promised hope. May I be reminded each morning and every evening that I am right where You want me to be and I have gotten here only through Your grace.  And it is only through Your grace that I shall succeed.

Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; 

He is the faithful God, 

keeping His covenant of love to a thousand generations 

of those who love Him and keep His commands. 

(Deuteronomy 7:9)

 In the name of the Father, and the Son and of the Holy Spirit.  Amen.