I have hesitated to blog anything about this topic before because I am a bit afraid I will come off as cold or callous, but I also know that it is something that needs to be documented so that Jack can look back someday and appreciate how far he has come. So, hopefully anyone reading this will not think I am pointing out someone's faults as much as celebrating our child's success and will remember the old Chinese Proverb - "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime." I promise each word here is posted with the utmost love and support for a child making fantastic strides to assimilate from institutional life to family life at the age of four.
The fact of the matter is that Jack struggles with an "I'm helpless. Do it for me." disposition quite regularly. Watching him over the last six weeks I have run the gauntlet of thinking that this attitude is expected regression in response to drastic life changes, learned helplessness from whatever experiences he has had before in his life, a lack of self-confidence in his own abilities, and/or a case of just plain stubbornness. What have I concluded? And which of these do I see daily? Well, I would say it is a bit of all of them. As Jack continues to settle into his new surroundings, however, the frequency of each seems to be shifting a bit as his comfort level rises, but they are all still there and active. And we (Jack, I, the girls, family friends, etc.) are working to address them all. Well, okay, maybe not all of them - Jack really seems to like the whole stubborn part and doesn't really seem too happy about giving that one up, but that's pretty much the definition of stubborn, now isn't it? =)
Of all these areas of progress, however, it is the area of self-confidence that I would like to address here. This blog was inspired by the one most monumental Jack-did-it accomplishment to date. Yesterday's Triumph.... drum roll, please.... Jack built a dinosaur! By himself!! And that is a HUGE deal for several reasons.
1. It means he actually engaged himself in a somewhat challenging activity (building with K'nex) and didn't just sit on the wall while someone else created.
2. It means he looked at a picture of what he wanted to make and selected the K'nex pieces he would need rather than sticking out his bottom lip and pouting because I would not pick them out for him.
3. It means he used his fine motor skills and arm muscles to line up and push together the K'nex pieces rather than throwing them down when they didn't slide together easily and I didn't swoop in to rescue him.
4. It means he tried and tried and tried again until he successfully got the dinosaur's legs all facing the same direction so his creature could walk even when I would only fix the first one to show him how.
5. It means the smile on his face when the dinosaur was fully assembled and held up for me to see was 100% earned by Jack. Along with the very loud trademark Jack "Ta-Da!"
You see, this may seem like a very simple task for a four-year-old boy, but for Jack every bit of this endeavor was a challenge. We take this same set of blocks with us every Tuesday so that the kids can play with them while Sophie goes to gymnastics class. Each week Jack has shown interest in the blocks and tried his hand at putting pieces together, but each week he has also given up when something didn't happen easily, thrown up his hands and thrown down his blocks when I would not pick out pieces or slide things together for him, and basically sit and pout once one child built a creature of some sort and he still had nothing but random pieces in his hands or on the floor by his feet. The fact that he made the choice to actively participate, put in the effort needed to follow through, and follow my lead rather than wait for me to do for him is absolutely a HUGE deal.
Now I know that you are not here, and I know that it may come across wrong in writing when I say I wouldn't help or refused to do things for him, but I refer back to the give a man a fish thing. Jack is a wonderfully sweet little boy, but if given the opportunity he would very often rather sit and let someone else do just about any physical task for him if he could get away with it. Unfortunately for him, he now lives in a family with four other children and one available parent so expecting the butler, the maid and the servant to arrive and cater to his every whim will ultimately only result in a very long wait. And in reality, Jack is fully capable of everything I have asked him to do and he has come a long, long way in the course of just a month at home. Let me see if I can't paint a better picture of his progress by listing just a handful of his successes in this realm...
1. stepping onto or off of the front porch unassisted (he still fights me on this one, and did so just this morning - ha!)
2. descending a flight of stairs in public by himself (he conquered the stairs at home on day one)
3. jumping off a curb (1...2...3...jump!)
4. finding the other shoe in the same "shoe box" by the front door where he found the first shoe with no trouble
5. climbing into his bed using the drawers as "stairs"
6. putting his own pants on (after happily putting his own underwear on with no trouble)
7. hooking two Thomas train cars together (hook on one connected to circle on other)
8. buckling the top harness section of his carseat (insert tongue into groove)
9. stepping down out of the minivan to street/floor level
10. walking more than a block without begging to be carried
11. opening the door from the garage into the house after exiting the car (no trouble opening it to get to the car...)
12. building a dinosaur!
Now, as I stated before there are many issues in Jack's life that are legitimate regression events, perfectly normal and actually a healthy part of bonding with his new family and be assured I am not talking about these instances in this blog. I am strictly talking about situations where he has the functional capability to accomplish a task in a healthy manner but has repeatedly addressed the situation with the body language of defeat, verbal complaints at being asked to do, and lack of effort to accomplish. The same tasks that when he successfully completes one elicit an ear-to-ear smile that makes his entire body radiate joy. As tiring as it can be to continually remind him that "Yes, you can step up by yourself," or "Yes, you can put your pants on," day in and day out - every single, "Yes you can" is worth it when he really does do something and the fact that he is able to registers in his head resulting in that huge Jack grin and cheerful "Ta-da!"
So, again, some of these may seem like small insignificant tasks, but each one is something Jack has spent a good deal of time refusing to do, looking convinced that he is unable to do, or simply not putting forth any effort to do so each success if definitely worthy of celebrating as a true victory. And it is only within the last ten days or so that I have actually begun to see a look of determination appear across his face when trying to accomplish a task that he perceives as difficult. As I sat and watched him build his dinosaur yesterday I wished so badly that my camera could pick up just a hint of that look in his eyes. I saw it the other day as he worked so hard to buckle the bottom latch of his car seat and again last night as he struggled to attach two train cars together. For fleeting moments that aggrivated look of "I-can't-do-this-Mom" will disappear and be replaced with a look of sheer determination, a set jaw and focused eyes that shouted "Get in there! I'm not giving up!" and THAT my dear friends, is a victory all within itself.
For whatever reason, Jack is in hand-to-hand combat with the I Can't Do It Monster every day and by the grace of God and through his own hard work and perseverence he is beginning to win more battles than he loses. Jack is one tough cookie, and I guarantee you God has great things in store for his future. And in that vein, I have no doubt that it won't be long before that darn I Can't Do It Monster decides to duck its head and run away with its tail between its legs. Jack may be struggling with that self-confidence thing now, but he is getting there, by golly, and he is learning more and more that he can do anything once he sets his mind to it. So, look out world - because someday you might just hear a voice singing... "Here he comes to save the day, Jack-a-Roo is on his way!" And it won't just be his mother announcing that he is coming down the stairs in the morning. =)
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