The Face of Determination

I have hesitated to blog anything about this topic before because I am a bit afraid I will come off as cold or callous, but I also know that it is something that needs to be documented so that Jack can look back someday and appreciate how far he has come.  So, hopefully anyone reading this will not think I am pointing out someone's faults as much as celebrating our child's success and will remember the old Chinese Proverb - "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime."  I promise each word here is posted with the utmost love and support for a child making fantastic strides to assimilate from institutional life to family life at the age of four.

The fact of the matter is that Jack struggles with an "I'm helpless.  Do it for me." disposition quite regularly.  Watching him over the last six weeks I have run the gauntlet of thinking that this attitude is expected regression in response to drastic life changes, learned helplessness from whatever experiences he has had before in his life, a lack of self-confidence in his own abilities, and/or a case of just plain stubbornness.  What have I concluded?  And which of these do I see daily?  Well, I would say it is a bit of all of them.  As Jack continues to settle into his new surroundings, however, the frequency of each seems to be shifting a bit as his comfort level rises, but they are all still there and active.  And we (Jack, I, the girls, family friends, etc.) are working to address them all.  Well, okay, maybe not all of them - Jack really seems to like the whole stubborn part and doesn't really seem too happy about giving that one up, but that's pretty much the definition of stubborn, now isn't it?  =)

Of all these areas of progress, however, it is the area of self-confidence that I would like to address here.  This blog was inspired by the one most monumental Jack-did-it accomplishment to date. Yesterday's Triumph.... drum roll, please.... Jack built a dinosaur!  By himself!! And that is a HUGE deal for several reasons.

1.  It means he actually engaged himself in a somewhat challenging activity (building with K'nex) and didn't just sit on the wall while someone else created.

2.  It means he looked at a picture of what he wanted to make and selected the K'nex pieces he would need rather than sticking out his bottom lip and pouting because I would not pick them out for him.

3.  It means he used his fine motor skills and arm muscles to line up and push together the K'nex pieces rather than throwing them down when they didn't slide together easily and I didn't swoop in to rescue him.

4.  It means he tried and tried and tried again until he successfully got the dinosaur's legs all facing the same direction so his creature could walk even when I would only fix the first one to show him how.

 5.  It means the smile on his face when the dinosaur was fully assembled and held up for me to see was 100% earned by Jack.  Along with the very loud trademark Jack "Ta-Da!"

You see, this may seem like a very simple task for a four-year-old boy, but for Jack every bit of this endeavor was a challenge.  We take this same set of blocks with us every Tuesday so that the kids can play with them while Sophie goes to gymnastics class.  Each week Jack has shown interest in the blocks and tried his hand at putting pieces together, but each week he has also given up when something didn't happen easily, thrown up his hands and thrown down his blocks when I would not pick out pieces or slide things together for him, and basically sit and pout once one child built a creature of some sort and he still had nothing but random pieces in his hands or on the floor by his feet.  The fact that he made the choice to actively participate, put in the effort needed to follow through, and follow my lead rather than wait for me to do for him is absolutely a HUGE deal.

Now I know that you are not here, and I know that it may come across wrong in writing when I say I wouldn't  help or refused to do things for him, but I refer back to the give a man a fish thing.  Jack is a wonderfully sweet little boy, but if given the opportunity he would very often rather sit and let someone else do just about any physical task for him if he could get away with it.  Unfortunately for him, he now lives in a family with four other children and one available parent so expecting the butler, the maid and the servant to arrive and cater to his every whim will ultimately only result in a very long wait.  And in reality, Jack is fully capable of everything I have asked him to do and he has come a long, long way in the course of just a month at home. Let me see if I can't paint a better picture of his progress by listing just a handful of his successes in this realm...

1.  stepping onto or off of the front porch unassisted  (he still fights me on this one, and did so just this morning - ha!)
2.  descending a flight of stairs in public by himself  (he conquered the stairs at home on day one)
3.  jumping off a curb (1...2...3...jump!)
4.  finding the other shoe in the same "shoe box" by the front door where he found the first shoe with no trouble
5.  climbing into his bed using the drawers as "stairs"
6.  putting his own pants on (after happily putting his own underwear on with no trouble)
7.  hooking two Thomas train cars together (hook on one connected to circle on other)
8.  buckling the top harness section of his carseat (insert tongue into groove)
9.  stepping down out of the minivan to street/floor level
10.  walking more than a block without begging to be carried
11.  opening the door from the garage into the house after exiting the car (no trouble opening it to get to the car...)
12.  building a dinosaur!

Now, as I stated before there are many issues in Jack's life that are legitimate regression events, perfectly normal and actually a healthy part of bonding with his new family and be assured I am not talking about these instances in this blog.  I am strictly talking about situations where he has the functional capability to accomplish a task in a healthy manner but has repeatedly addressed the situation with the body language of defeat, verbal complaints at being asked to do, and lack of effort to accomplish.  The same tasks that when he successfully completes one elicit an ear-to-ear smile that makes his entire body radiate joy.  As tiring as it can be to continually remind him that "Yes, you can step up by yourself," or "Yes, you can put your pants on," day in and day out - every single, "Yes you can" is worth it when he really does do something and the fact that he is able to registers in his head resulting in that huge Jack grin and cheerful "Ta-da!"

So, again, some of these may seem like small insignificant tasks, but each one is something Jack has spent a good deal of time refusing to do, looking convinced that he is unable to do, or simply not putting forth any effort to do so each success if definitely worthy of celebrating as a true victory.  And it is only within the last ten days or so that I have actually begun to see a look of determination appear across his face when trying to accomplish a task that he perceives as difficult.  As I sat and watched him build his dinosaur yesterday I wished so badly that my camera could pick up just a hint of that look in his eyes.  I saw it the other day as he worked so hard to buckle the bottom latch of his car seat and again last night as he struggled to attach two train cars together.  For fleeting moments that aggrivated look of "I-can't-do-this-Mom" will disappear and be replaced with a look of sheer determination, a set jaw and focused eyes that shouted "Get in there!  I'm not giving up!" and THAT my dear friends, is a victory all within itself.

For whatever reason, Jack is in hand-to-hand combat with the I Can't Do It Monster every day and by the grace of God and through his own hard work and perseverence he is beginning to win more battles than he loses.  Jack is one tough cookie, and I guarantee you God has great things in store for his future.  And in that vein, I have no doubt that it won't be long before that darn I Can't Do It Monster decides to duck its head and run away with its tail between its legs.  Jack may be struggling with that self-confidence thing now, but he is getting there, by golly, and he is learning more and more that he can do anything once he sets his mind to it. So, look out world - because someday you might just hear a voice singing... "Here he comes to save the day, Jack-a-Roo is on his way!"  And it won't just be his mother announcing that he is coming down the stairs in the morning.  =)

One Month Later...

Wow!  One month!  How time flies!!  On Friday morning Jack went with me to Becca's school as I attended a mandatory volunteer orientation meeting and in the middle of that meeting I suddenly realized that the day before had been the one month anniversary of Jack's Gotcha Day.  Now, please don't think less of me that I didn't realize the date until the day after his "anniversary" - it's been a crazy week and I was really sick on the actual day so I will beg for your forgiveness of my tardy celebration.  All that said, however, we are one month in and still going strong.

Checking out the lake on base with all his sisters.

The biggest announcement I can make at this point is simply Jack's ever strengthening language abilities.  His comprehension of English has astounded me from the beginning, but his acquisition of workable vocabulary continues to floor me every day.  Some of you may remember my facebook post a little while back about Jack sitting at the kitchen table teaching himself the English colors and numbers using foam stickers.  He has always been curious about what the English words are for things, but each week he gets more vocal about asking for terms and is more and more putting these words to work for himself.  He still loves to point out every airplane he sees (which is a lot as we live by the airport!) but he has started using the word "airplane" instead of just "Mama"or pointing with lots of vigor.  He also loves to tell me every time he sees anything the color blue and has begun using a full palette of other color words too. 

Learning those numbers and colors

I've been waiting for him to start talking while playing alone with his toys and really expecting to hear his Chinese come out at that time, but that is not what has happened at all.  He has begun to make his toys "talk" to each other or whisper away as he flies a toy airplane or drives a toy car, but he is almost always doing this play talk in English sounds or phrases!  I'm not convinced that he has begun to fully think in English terms as he still talks to me in Chinese fairly regularly, but his usage of English is growing exponentially and quickly becoming a constant throughout the day.  I think one of my favorite things is when we come to a store cashier and Jack is quick to shout out "Heeeeello!" in his cheery Chinese accent.  It makes me laugh every time!

Jack's new car seat came in a very large box - soon it was Jack in the box!

Well, other than language, I'm not sure what else to tell you.  Jack is simply doing great.  I watch him throughout the day and just marvel at how he has settled in, but when I get here to type I never know what to say.  I wish I could just video tape a twenty-four hour period and let you see him for yourself.  He laughs, he sings (even broke into the ABC song in the car the other day!), he loves the dog, is still fascinated by the cat, loves the sandbox, begs to take baths, enjoyed his winter-weather shopping spree immensely, and has discovered that climbing into bed with mom and the other five-hundred children in her bed every morning is a wonderful thing.  He kissed a bearded-dragon through the glass on her cage the other day, refuses to touch a worm, eats like a horse, doesn't like mustard, has little tiny feet, wears 24 month size jeans, can't wait to ride in the car, and rode a bike like a pro this week.  Overall, I just love him and wish you could all just come and hang out with us to see him in person.

Cars helmet on, ready to go!

I am also very excited that in just a couple weeks I will have the chance to show him off as he is all signed up to volunteer with me at the Show Hope table at the Lancaster, PA, Steven Curtis Chapman concert.  I know that he is little and I know that even though he will have a lot of fun he probably won't understand the significance of his volunteer effort, but I also know that someday he will be happy that I took him.  I just think it's cool that last time I volunteered at their table Jack was there in spirit on the front page of the newsletter they were distributing and this time I get to take him in person. So for anyone who might be attending, be sure to seek us out.  Hurray! 

Show Hope newsletter last December...

Jack on the playground here at Fort Meade (Sept)

On a separate note, I wanted to let you know that I have decided that this blog will no longer be the stomping ground for any of my personal analysis monologues.  This blog was created as a journal of our Journey to Jack and now that Jack is home I truly feel that the story is now in his hands to tell.  I will continue to post here with updates of his progress, milestones, funny encounters, etc., so that you can see how he continues to blossom into his role as son, brother, grandson, nephew, cousin, and so much more, but I will no longer post my own musings here as I ponder the wonders of God's actions in my life, the adoption world, or children in general.  I have started a new blog, however, for those of you who find me entertaining enough to want to continue to read about my chaos and crazy walk.  There isn't much there yet, but I'm hoping to change that soon.  You can find me at:  http://talesfrommycorner.blogspot.com.  But there's no pressure, of course.  =)

And now I will simply leave you with some photos.  One month later, and here we are...

Catching a ride around the lake.

Sleeping in his very own bed.

Playing the drums at the playground.

Waiting for Winnie-the-Pooh to start - first movie in the theater.

One the computer for the very first time - getting lots of directions from big sister.

Unless the Lord had been my help...

Dear Lord and Heavenly Father,

Thank you so much for seeing my need and providing us the child exactly right for our family and situation at this time.  This is not our first adoption and I know the road of transition can be a truly rocky one, but You have provided such a smooth path so far and such feelings of well-being that Your grace is the only explanation.  I know that things will not always be this easy and I wake each day praying that I am prepared for when the other shoe may drop, but Lord, You have been so generous, so kind, and so in control of this entire endeavor that I can in no way doubt that You have each of our best interests in Your sights.

Today I read the following words and they spoke so directly to my heart.

Unless the Lord had been my help,

my soul would soon have settled in silence.

(Psalm 94:17)

This road You have placed before me is one that most people regard with unbelief.  So many respond with shock, amazement, disbelief, and even pity when I answer their questions of "How many?", "How old?", How long?"  Five children, deployment, no local family, multiple preschoolers - none of these things are what other people might envy.  But I do not view my life from any of those perspectives.  This is who I am and this is what You have provided me through Your mercy.  Even when I am at my lowest point and struggling just to make it through to "pajamas, potty and bed", I trust in what You have promised and know that You will never give me what I cannot handle.  Is this life hard?  Absolutely.  But in reality, whose life isn't?  And more importantly, I can do hard.  We can do hard.  If success for this mission wasn't possible, You would not have brought me to it for You know far better than I what I am truly capable of acheiving.

So, I thank you, Lord, for each day You grant.  I give thanks for each of the daughters you have granted me the honor of mothering in Your stead.  And I thank You again and again for the little boy You chose to create on the far side of the globe so that You could bring him home to our family, not through some act of charity or miraculous circumstances but because our family would never have been complete without him. I am humbled each day to witness his kindness, his love for us and his genuinely joy-filled heart and know that even though I am his mother I can take absolutely no credit for the young man he has already become.  You are in control, and You have been all along. You have created such a masterpiece that it is a blessing to each one he meets to catch even a glimpse of the purity of his soul.  And it is such an honor, as his mother, to merely stand by and watch.

My soul glorifies the Lord 

and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior, 

for he has been mindful 

of the humble state of his servant. 

(Luke 1:46a-48)

The truth of the matter is I am not worthy of having five children to raise, to nurture, or to teach Your ways.  I make mistakes daily, lose my temper, drop the ball, forget to pray, spend a lot of time feeling overwhelmed and often lead by example in the wrong direction... And yet You have chosen me to take on this challenge and to guide these children in the way You have directed.  I do not understand how exactly You have this planned, but I rest in the assurance that it is Your plan indeed.  For

Unless the Lord had been my help,

my soul would soon have settled in silence.

(Psalm 94:17)

So, I shall raise my voice and shout Your praise and lean not on my own understanding.  I will ride the highs and navigate the lows and hold onto Your hand as if for dear life as truly several lives depend on it.  I am open to Your leading, Lord, and I am trusting You to guide me.  For You never promised easy, but You have certainly promised hope. May I be reminded each morning and every evening that I am right where You want me to be and I have gotten here only through Your grace.  And it is only through Your grace that I shall succeed.

Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; 

He is the faithful God, 

keeping His covenant of love to a thousand generations 

of those who love Him and keep His commands. 

(Deuteronomy 7:9)

 In the name of the Father, and the Son and of the Holy Spirit.  Amen.

12 Days and Counting...

For the past week or so I have been in a bit of a dark place - a completely kid and adoption unrelated dark place, but one which has made blogging extremely hard and unproductive.so for that I apologize.  I know that there are many of you out there who have been waiting (mostly) patiently for any Jack-at-home update I might post, so hopefully this will hold you over for at least a little bit.  :)  Things for me seem to be moving back into the light for the most part so now that everything ordinary is not being dealt with through a melancholy fog or exasperated by jetlag and timezone differences I will hopefully post a bit more often again and you can share in Jack's accomplishments and adjustments as I document them here in blog-land. 

Before I go any further, however, I do need to put one more apology out there... I unfortunately don't have tons of pictures to share with you as that is one major downfall of the mom-alone-with-five-kids lifestyle.  All picture taking falls upon my shoulders and if I forget the camera or I simply don't pull it out we end up with nothing.  But I will try to do better with that too.  No promises though, I am after all a woman willing to acknowledge reality.  =)

Okay, so let's begin...

Jack has now been home in Maryland for 12 days.  Our flights home from Hong Kong all went smoothly and Jack was a real trooper.  After I woke him up at 5:15 a.m. Friday morning to head to the airport he made it about half-way through our first 4 hour flight (and half-way through Finding Nemo) before falling back asleep. Our first lay-over was in Japan and really not very long.  We had time for a potty stop, a quick meal from McDonald's and a little bit of people/Tia-chi watching and then it was back onto an airplane.

The second leg of our journey was a nine-hour flight to Salt Lake City and it is somewhat ironic that I just typed "leg" because Jack spent about half of this flight sleeping with his legs kicking Katie in her legs, side, stomach, etc.  He handled the flight well though and was very patient as we waited for the Immigration Officer to process his paperwork.  Then, it was off to find our next gate and wait, wait, wait.

We had about 4 hours to kill there in Salt Lake City which unfortunately meant more sitting.  Well, that and watching the weather reports as Hurricane Irene was pretty much the only news making the air waves that day.  Jack did decide he had had enough at this point, but after a brief meltdown he gathered himself back together and stuck it out.  And finally it was time to board that last flight.  I actually nodded off for a few minutes and missed most of the safety announcements, but when I woke up (just in time to hear the flight attendant sign off) I found Jack already out which is exactly how he stayed until I woke him up at the gate in Baltimore.

And then it was time to head home.  Of course our plane parked at the very outermost gate so at 11:30 p.m. a very tired me got to carry a half-asleep Jack about a mile-and-a-half to the baggage claim area.  My mom met us as we came through security and Jack smiled and waved to her like he'd known her forever.  My dad, who was waiting closer to the baggage carousel was met with a similar greeting, but it was the stroller my mom had brought that made Jack smile the brightest.  (And I have to admit it was a welcomed sight for me as well.) 

It took almost 30 minutes for our luggage to turn up, a reality I really don't understand as there was not another single airplane along the entire concourse I traversed to get to baggage claim, but it was what it was and around 12:15 a.m. we finally headed out to the car.  My dad let me drive home which I am sure seemed strange to Jack as we had been letting other people drive us around for two weeks now.  And we finally arrived at our humble abode at approximately 1 a.m.on Saturday morning - a full 32 hours after I woke Jack up in Hong Kong to start this journey.

Since arriving home Jack has been doing great.  I wasn't exactly sure what I was going to do about the sleeping arrangements once we got home, but Jack pretty much took care of that for me.  We had been sharing a bed in the hotel so the first night we were home I figured that was the easiest thing to do.  Well, that and I wasn't sure he was going to go back to sleep since he had slept so much in transit, but we finally hit the hay about 2 a.m. and he did not waste anytime conking out.  We were both up early the next (same?) morning though so I'm not sure how that happened.  Saturday afternoon at resting time, however, when given the choice of sleeping in my bed or his own Jack made it very clear he wanted to sleep in his own bed so that is where he has been ever since.  This seems amazing to me as I have heard so many stories of kids needing to stay in the master bedroom for long periods of time to work through night terrors, fears, etc., but other than the occasional (and typical) 4-year-old anti-nap regalia we haven't had any sleep issues thus far - Thank the Lord!  But it does help that even on the occassions that Jack fights going to bed, once he is out he is O-U-T.

One of my other mild concerns about our homecoming was our dog, Charlie.  I knew from our two weeks together in China that Jack is a huge dog lover, but I wasn't quite sure how he was going to respond to sharing space with an actual living dog.  I needn't have worried, however, as Jack fell in love with Charlie the minute he saw him (at 1 o'clock in the morning!) and still gets extremely excited when they are close to each other.  I'm not exactly sure why Jack feels the need to point the dog out to me everytime he (the dog) is near, but lo and behold, if Charlie shows up I am always made aware by a very excited smiling little boy.

We also have a cat which I figured I didn't need to worry about because she is terrified of her own shadow and I figured it would be weeks before Jack ever caught a glimpse of her, but I was WAY wrong there.  The very first night (yes, that 1 o'clock time again), there she was standing at the bottom of the stairs just as cool as a cucumber.  And if you got the impression that Jack was excited about the dog, well, he about came out of his skin when he saw our cat.  I couldn't believe she didn't go running for cover when he squealled and pointed and told me repeatedly there was a cat, but there she stood and she even lets him pet her.  I'm telling you, as excited about animals as he is and as friendly as they are toward him I can definitely see veteranian school in his future. 

And then, of course, there are the animals of another nature - Jack's sisters.  It has been interesting to watch them with Jack as you would never know he just got here.  From the very first day they met him (NOT at 1 o'clock in the morning!) they have included him in everything.  Jolene dotes on him as if she were his mother and decided early on she was going to teach him English right away.  Luckily for Jack she has backed off of this ambitious decision a bit and is allowing him to think for himself rather than be her puppet.  They play beautifully together, however, and Jack is quick to give her a hug as soon as he sees her each morning.  Becca and Sophie have taken right to him as well.  They are pretty fixated on playing with ponies and Barbie which really aren't Jack's toys of choice, but that doesn't keep me from finding them curled up together watching tv or playing together in the sandbox outside.

And then there is Ellie, roommate extraordinare.  Before Jack's arrival Ellie was always the easiest to put to bed and the first to go to sleep, but not so much anymore.  She absolutely adores having Jack in her room and somedays it is next to impossible to get her to stop talking to him after lights out.  They have also become bath buddies which is hysterical as they pour water on each other and splash and splash.  They other night I was trying to take their picture as they are just so silly in the tub and they put on quite the show.  (I'm not really one for posting the whole tub shot scene, but their smiles are just priceless so they will have to forgive me.)  It is also not uncommon to catch the two of them chasing each other back and forth across  the living room giggling up a storm.  They definitely have their disagreements, usually over a toy both wants, but there are way more smiles than arguments going on.

As for the little day-to-day things, Jack is doing quite well there too.  He is picking up more and more English and I've gotten a few impromptu words out of him.  He can say a lot more than he is willing to say and every once in a while he gets frustrated with me for making him say "More, please" rather than grunting in my general direction, but we are getting more words out of him slowly.  The past couple days he about drove me mad as he decided that "Ma-Ma" could be used to relay absolutely any piece of information he wanted to get off his chest - I'm hungry; I need to go to the bathroom; I want to wash my hands; more please; look at that!; I want this; I don't want that; open my window; are we going in the car?; are we going now?; an airplane!; Charlie!; no; yes; etc., etc., etc.... It ended up being about 48 hours of straight "Ma-Ma, Ma-Ma, Ma-Ma" and I was very happy when he woke up this morning and didn't start in again.  I don't mean to sound ungrateful, I am blessed beyond measure that he has learned this word and feels comfortable calling me Ma-Ma, but one can only hear that word said so many times in a given period without going insane, and that doesn't even include the numerous times my other children use the term.  Needless to say, by dinner time on the second day I very clearly announced that for the rest of the evening I would only be responding to the phrase "Mother, Sweet Mother." 

And then there are the little successes...  Things like going to use the bathroom without feeling the need for a motherly escort.  This may seem a silly thing to be excited about, but ask Katie - Jack has come a long way in this department.  He still hasn't learned that he doesn't need to stop and get my permission before going to the restroom, but we are getting closer there too.  The funniest part is that when he does take care of his business completely unassisted he will inevitably come out of the bathroom to give me a thumbs up and a smile when he is done.  I am always quick to respond with some version of "Yeah!  You did it!", but I also have to throw in some form of, "Now go put your pants back on, Silly Boy."  Definitely not a problem have had with my girls.

We also have the "J" success...  We have a set of alphabet magnets that Jack has loved since he discovered them.  For the first few days, however, he would bring me any letter he picked up and ask if it was for him.  (For "Jack" that is.)  Each time I would tell him what the letter was and if it was not a "J" I'd send him back to find "the blue J".  Yesterday he found it more quickly than on previous days and today he came into the kitchen with the "J", held it up for me to see and then held it against his belly with one hand while pointing to himself with the other.  All with a huge smile on his face.  Aw, the sweet smile of success.

Jack has also conquered his fear of climbing on the backyard toys, absolutely loves to ride in the car, made it through his first Bible Study/childcare experience this morning, and for the first time today got excited about looking at a book.  He has played in the sandbox and the water table, visited a petting zoo, joined the Phineas and Ferb fan club and even shucked corn.  So... all of this to say - things are going great.

 

 We've had a few bumps in the road, but nothing that hasn't been expected and nothing that any other 4-year-old wouldn't deal with as well.  I'm sure that more bumps are coming, but we will take those in stride and Ma-Ma will do her best to address them with a good measure of patience and a lot of prayer.  Thank you again for each prayer you say in our stead, we couldn't possibly be doing this with even half of much success if it wasn't for the prayer warriors I know we have in our corner.  Please keep it up, we've got a long road ahead of us and I for one desperately need you to hang in there with me.  Please just don't call me "Ma-Ma" more than 100 times within any given 90 minute timeframe and all should be well.  Thanks!  And I will try to post more stories soon.  =)