Judges 6:36-38
Then Gideon said to God, “If thou wilt deliver Israel by my hand, as thou has said, behold, I am laying a fleece of wool on the threshing floor; if there is dew on the fleece alone, and it is dry on all the ground, then I shall know that thou wilt deliver Israel by my hand, as thou has said.” And it was so.
While in China our team met regularly for group devotional time. Late in our week at Maria's Big House one of our daily devotional times turned to a discussion of Gideon and the fleece. A few people shared about times in their lives when they had "thrown down the fleece" and looked for a sign from God. I remember thinking how strange I thought this sounded. Not to belittle the stories that were told in any way, they were all stories of faithful encounters, but the whole idea of asking for a sign seemed a bit like giving God an ultimatum or striking a deal. I can remember a time in college when I tried going this route in relation to a young man I thought I was supposed to marry (You do this, and I'll know it is this way; You don't do this, then I will know I’m wrong), and I learned very clearly that God does not do as I tell Him to. God doesn’t work on our timelines or in response to our dictation so all of this fleece talk seemed odd to me. I know that striking deals with God isn't what was meant, and ultimately not the mindset of anyone recounting such a story, but the whole topic had my mind wandering to my past and made me a bit uncomfortable.
Anyway, in a brief moment of gutsiness (well, not gutsy for most people, but definitely for me given my conflicted state of mind), the day we left Luoyang I asked Mariah to write down the name of the skin condition Jack has so that I might learn more about it. When I finally worked up the nerve to ask her a group of us were standing around chatting so I simply asked her to do it when she had a chance. She cheerfully said she would and I felt a lot less like I was prying into someone else’s business.
From there I began to deal with this mama-bear, jealous, sad, disappointed realm of feelings. I was convinced that another family was going to adopt my boy and feeling overwhelmed by how upset this turn of events was making me. I might not be able to bring Jack home, but I could certainly pray for him, for his specific medical conditions and for his forever family. I was down, but I didn’t have to be out of the game entirely.
Suddenly, it was time to leave Maria's Big House of Hope and head back to Beijing and then home to the United States. On our last day at Maria's I spent the majority of my time with my boys on the third floor, but I also made a point of spending time with Jack. I was still struggling with the emotional roller coaster created by my desire to bring him home and in some ways it made it even more difficult to sit and play with him. I desperately wanted to enjoy his company, but it made my heart ache to look at his face and know that he would never be my little boy. I know this must make me sound like either the most bitter woman in the world or that I completely lost my mind in a matter of days, but words do not do justice to the inner battle waging in my heart - a battle between joy that a family was going to pursue his adoption and sadness that it could not be us.
Then, I really did do something gutsy. The night we left Luoyang, I decide to throw down the fleece. Remember I told you about that devotional fleece conversation? Well, for all of the questions it raised for me during its happening, it ended up being a turning point in my journey with Jack. As we traveled back to our hotel in Beijing, a journey involving both bus and plane, I had a lot of time to think. I didn't want to feel the way I was feeling. I didn't want to be upset about there being two families interested in Jack. I wanted to be happy and thankful and full of joy that this little boy, an orphan with no family to call his own, now had two families desiring his presence in their family. This was GREAT news. This was not something to be upset about. And so I spent a lot of that day’s travel time trying to sort things out with God.
I wanted to know His mind. I wanted to know His will. And I wanted to know where He wanted me to be in all of this. Was this other family the family for Jack? Was I supposed to push forward with my interest in bringing him home? Was I supposed to walk away from my desire and pray and support another family's efforts? Or was I supposed to simply pray and wait and see where things led? All of these questions were running through my mind as it kept going back to all of those fleece stories. And finally it hit me. Maybe that was what I was supposed to do. Maybe I was simply supposed to let go and let God show me how to proceed. So, with great trepidation, I did it.
Lying in bed that night I made a commitment to let it all go and to accept the path God showed me. The fleece? The medical information I requested from Mariah. We would be with Mariah for one last full day in Beijing and then board our plane to head home the next morning. If in that time Mariah came to me with the name of Jack's skin condition, then I would know I was supposed to pursue Jack and the possibility of his adoption in a purposeful way. If, on the other hand, Mariah had forgotten about the request and did not mention it again, then I would go home satisfied that another family might very well pursue an adoption and I would put my efforts into praying for Jack to find his forever family. As crazy as it may be for me to have "thrown down the fleece", I can tell you with no uncertainty that as soon as I had prayed this through a surreal feeling of peace overtook my heart and I was instantly on the road to healing.
The last day of our trip was spent sight-seeing in Beijing, in the rain no less. We spent the morning touring the Forbidden City and walking through Tiananmen Square. We had one last traditional lunch in a restaurant sporting some seriously crazy looking sea life, and we braved a downpour to shop at the Dirt Market. All in all, a busy day - and all in all, a great time. I had many occasions to speak with Mariah throughout the day, but never once did I broach the subject of Jack and never once did I worry about it. In all honesty, I did begin the day waiting to see if she would mention my request, but by the time we returned to our hotel late that afternoon the inner battle I had been fighting was completely out of my mind. Not to say that I had forgotten Jack, surely none of us had forgotten anyone we had encountered at Maria’s, but there was no struggle left alive inside me. I don’t think that I had accepted that Jack would not be coming home to us it is simply that the issue of us-or-them-or-someone-else was completely out of my mind. People often speak of a “peace that passes all understanding” and that is the only way I can describe my mindset by the end of that day.
Our last evening together, our team spent several hours (a lot longer than expected) in a debriefing type devotional time before having our final dinner together. We laughed a lot, cried a bit, and went around the room once again this time sharing what we were leaving with rather than why we had come. It was an amazing time of fellowship and it was during that group time that I realized how much I had not been struggling with the Jack situation that day. I was startled at first and then a bit shocked by how quickly the Lord had relieved my pain, and I took all of this as a sign that indeed I was to go home with prayers in my heart and become an advocate for Jack and his future forever family. And I was okay with that. I wasn’t thrilled by any means, but I had thrown down my fleece and the Lord had responded by providing no response, and I was okay with that.
Given this new inner peace and the mindset that accompanied it you can only imagine my surprise when in the middle of our very late dinner (we’re talking about 8:30-9:00 that night) Mariah looked across the table at me and said, “Oh! You asked me to write down the name of Jack’s skin condition for you.” I know for a fact that my mouth fell open, and I’m pretty sure from the look I got from Mariah the color drained out of my face as well. I don’t remember exactly what I said to her, but I know that suddenly my mind was racing a hundred miles a minute. Really?! God had led me to this comforting place of peace only to throw me this huge curveball? There is no doubt in my mind that He knew exactly what He was doing, and I know I never would have been able to truly accept this journey to Jack as His will if He had not cleared away all of the other junk first, but I will tell you again - this was crazy! I had to explain to Mariah later why I had such a strange reaction to her simple statement, but the explanation served as a wonderful testimony of faith as I shared just how the Lord had truly delivered a miracle for me.
Now, all I had to do was figure out how in all the world God was going to make us eligible to adopt without Jack having to spend several more years as an orphan.
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