I feel I must put a disclaimer at the beginning of this post as some who may read it (and its sequel) were involved in the events. The story is what it is and I cannot change that. Hopefully there will be no uncomfortable moments...
I may not remember when Jack first worked his way into my world, but I do remember being pulled again and again into the areas where I might find him. Something about him captured my heart and I often found myself going out of my way to be where he was. There was a group of boys up on the third floor whose very presence called to me as well, so I ended up spending the majority of my time at Maria's split between the Snow White and Tinker Bell rooms. I didn't feel 100% comfortable "stalking" Jack as it made me a bit sad to know I would be leaving him behind in just a couple of days, and he was a popular guy with many others in our group so I often felt a bit unsettled just hanging out in his room. In hindsight, I guess I simply didn't want to put myself "out there" and feel the things I knew I would feel if I truly embraced how interested I was in the possibility of making him a Shipley.
The first time I went looking for more information about Jack, his medical condition, and his chances for adoption I spoke with Mariah, the head nurse at Maria's. When I mentioned Jack's name, her immediate response was "He really needs a family." This comment warmed my heart, but it also made me very sad. I think it was actually at that moment that I realized just how much I wanted to bring him home to our family and how disappointed I was that this was not currently an option. This ended up being a very short conversation since, as I mentioned, I didn't feel quite comfortable putting myself out there and I chickened out when I had the chance to ask lots of questions.
The next day, feeling rather frustrated with myself for not getting more information when I could, I broached the subject of Jack's adoption possibilities again, this time with Mikey the liaison between Show Hope and Maria's. Again, the immediate response to my inquiry was "We really need to find him a family." After a brief conversation about whether or not Jack even had, or qualified for, an adoption file with CCAA, I was feeling even more discouraged as Mikey had mentioned the interest another in our team had of adopting Jack. I know it may seem quite silly that someone being interested in adopting Jack would be disappointing to me, but this was purely the selfish response I had as I knew we did not currently qualify to adopt and that this other interested party would have no problem. My feelings were not those of someone focusing on Jack and his well-being, but of my own selfish desire to do the adopting and jealousy that someone else might be able to do what I could only wish for. Yes, terrible, but human.
Truth be told, and I have promised you truth in my story, that jealousy would almost get the best of me before I would realize the enormity of God's hand in this whole thing. After speaking with both Mikey and Mariah I knew that Jack definitely "qualified" for a place on the CCAA waiting child adoption list, but still did not know if he was on it. The way the system works the staff at Maria's have no control over which children come to them or when children arrive or depart. They have no official knowledge of which children have adoption files, nor do they know for certain which children ever will. Being familiar with and working knee-deep in the system Mikey and Mariah may have gut feelings about things, but there is no certainty of anything until they get official notice from the orphanage administration. All that said, both Mikey and Mariah shared that Mikey had a strong feeling Jack had a file, but they had no proof either way. What that meant to me (at least until I got my head straight) was that the other party interested in adopting Jack could well do so - find the file, complete the paper chase, etc. - long before we would even be able to get ourselves financially eligible to start the process. And to be perfectly honest, that made me mad. Mama-bear-protecting-her-cub mad, but mad just the same.
Now I must add in here, that even in the midst of all this going on - and you must remember I am talking a matter of just two or three days here - I knew exactly how crazy it was to be mad. What a ridiculous thing to be angry about. Two families wanting the same child. Aah! How awful! What a terrible ordeal!! (Can you hear the sarcasm in my typing?) I knew it was stupid to be upset. I knew it was dumb to be jealous. But I also knew I was. I just wanted this to play out the way I wanted it to, and isn't that when we get the most irrational? Here I was, just days after reading that handbook in a Chicago hotel and smiling so smugly about this trip not
And then there was God. Yes, He was there all along, but after I wallowed in my self-pity for a day or so I guess He had had enough because He very kindly decided to knock me over the head and take me down a notch with just a bit of His glorious grace. (to be continued...)
***I must add here that it is quite important to keep one thing straight in this story. The only information I had about another party being interested in adopting Jack was a casual comment made by Mikey during our one-on-one conversation. I know that by pointing this out it probably makes me seem even more irrational and ridiculous, but I feel it is important to point out how easily Satan will manipulate our weaknesses for our own demise. Throughout the inner struggle I mention here and in the next installment of this story, it is important to note that only in my mind did this other family make the decision to adopt, file paperwork and pursue Jack as their child, thus bringing him home to their family. At no point did this other party convey this desire directly to me. At no point did I hear of them making a commitment to embark on Jack's adoption once returning home. Comments were made about their desire to pursue adoption, yes, but never a clear set goal to bring home Jack.
And yet I wasted a lot of energy struggling with feelings of loneliness, inadequacy, jealousy, anger, sadness and rejection - simply because Satan saw a crack in my armor and weaseled his way in. 1 Peter 5:8-9 states, "Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings." I admit, he got me. I didn't go to Maria's looking to adopt, but God had bigger plans and once I began to get on board with those plans, Satan wasted no time in pouncing. It wasn't hard for him to lead me astray, I was a willing participant in the pity-party going on in my mind, but that just goes to show how important it is to stay diligent and focused on Christ. It wasn't long before I was back on track as the next part of this story will reveal, but it is unfortunate that I allowed myself to be sucked into this detour when God laid the clear path right out in front of me. Lesson learned? I hope so. Defense mastered? I seriously doubt it. Forgiveness ready and waiting for me? Always - to the praise of His glorious grace. :)
Ephesians 1:3-6
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For He chose us in Him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love He predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with His pleasure and will - to the praise of His glorious grace, which He has freely given us in the One He loves.
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