Morning sickness. Blah! Bet you never expected to see that topic addressed in an adoption blog, did you? But here it is, large as life and just as frustrating. For those who have been pregnant and experienced the joys of morning sickness, you know exactly what I mean. That sick, pit-like feeling in your low belly that just makes you want to curl up and sleeping for the rest of your baby's gestational months. That feeling you get when you smell something odd or taste something awful and you can't get to the bathroom or kitchen sink fast enough. For me, with Sophie, it was any form of no-longer-cold milk - I simply couldn't go anywhere near it for about three months. With Ellie I was spitting into a bottle for the first five months of my pregnancy and sucking on peppermints for the other four. I mean, honestly, it is a miracle the sweet thing wasn't born with pink and white stripes on her skin things were so bad. And I will tell you what, this past weekend I had all those same old feelings - well all but the spitting, thank goodness!
Here's where it started... You know that lesson that we try so hard to instill in our children, the one where we try to convince them the world does not actually revolve around them? That it is "not all about you"? Well, a few days ago I was rudely reminded that when it comes to this whole fund-raising/adoption thing it really is all about me. Not me per se, but our family, our journey, our goals, our priorities. Not that others aren't interested or willing to help, but they definitely aren't as fixated on the situation as we are and definitely don't spend every waking hour wondering about and praying for how things will turn out. And that my friends, is what I was so vividly reminded of, in the same subtle way one might be clubbed over the head in a mugging mind you. And yes, it left me feeling sick. Nauseous. Empty. Small. Vulnerable. And stinging from a wound that the others involved probably never even realized they had inflicted. But all the same it had happened and now I was suffering through it and just hoping to survive until the sick feeling abated, at least a little bit.
I spent the better part of that morning and afternoon wishing that I could simply crawl under a rock, go back to sleep and turn back the clock. I felt awful. I hadn't intended to be overbearing. I had surely never meant to address our needs to the point of annoyance for others. And I certainly did not want to feel slighted by someone else's disinterest, but this was all I could think about. My stomach would simply not settle. How could I apologize? How could I set things right? How could I make someone else see things from my point of view just long enough for them to understand the motivation behind my actions, the implications of their choices and the impact of their words. I was hurt, yes, but more so I was focused on how I had created the situation in the first place. And I just felt sick. Sucker punched. Gut wrenchingly crushed and I was left with nothing but prayer. Simple prayer for forgiveness for my own prideful actions that caused such responses to my efforts. Prayer that God alone knew that I had only the best of intentions and my sole motivation was what was best for Jack. Prayer that I would do better next time.
Then, about 4 o'clock, something clicked in my brain. Remember that lesson I mentioned earlier? The "not all about you" one? Yep, even at 38 it is still true. Even I am not the center of the universe. This wasn't all about me. I had done it again! That rotting feeling in my gut was just what it felt like, a sucker punch. A well-aimed, perfectly timed, miraculously delivered direct hit sent by the devil to knock the wind out of my sails and the motivation out of my step. And stupid me, I fell for it. Again! Hook, line, and sinker! How arrogant of me to think everyone else's choices hinged upon something I had done or said or had not done or said. I suddenly realized I had wasted my entire day beating myself up over decisions I had made in good faith and amidst a lot of prayer. I hadn't created a situation that put myself above the interests of others, I had created a situation where I was shouting the faithfulness of God my Father from the mountaintops and the one who was offended and annoyed was Satan himself. And at the very moment of this realization he was sitting back on his haunches laughing his fool-head off at me because I was blindly taking his insults to heart and packing up my toys to go home. Really?! How do I fall for this time and time again? You would think that someday I might actually learn. But apparently not so much. Ugh!
In 1 Timothy 1:15 Paul writes, "The saying is sure and worthy of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners. And I am the foremost of sinners." If Paul was the "foremost of sinners", then what in all of God's great world am I? On the long list of sins out there, where is the box to check for failing to ignore the devil's lead? Or how about, unwillingness to trust in stressful situations? Pushing my own timetable and not waiting for the Lord's timing? Believing that I am in control of things? If Paul is foremost of sinners, I must be standing on his head because I certainly am not any further down the totem pole. Anyone following my journey through just this past couple months has seen me fall and question in the most ridiculous of situations, completely blind for moments to the guiding hand of He who is faithful beyond our wildest imagination. I'd like to say that each of these battles has been God's way of helping me stay focused on Him, but that again might be a bit arrogant - as if He has nothing better to do than teach me lessons. I think it is much more likely that these struggles are merely my way of being human in situations where complete faithfulness would be the better choice.
So, I know, morning sickness isn't the typical adoption blog topic, but I am fairly certain this isn't the typical adoption blog anyway. I mean, really, who purposefully sits down to write a blog that will hang their dirty laundry out there for everyone to see? Who wants the world to know that they screwed up? Again! Certainly not me, but then again maybe that is why I was led to start writing this blog in the first place. Stumblings of faith are not undiscussed because they don't happen - they are not discussed because they are simply that, stumblings. I am not proud of the fact that I let the devil eat away at my innermost feelings for the majority of my day, but I am proud of the fact that despite this, and all the other stumbles, I am forgiven and my Heavenly Father loves me all the same.
John 14:15-18 states: "If you love me, you will keep my commandments. And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Helper, to be with you forever, even the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees him nor knows him. You know him, for he dwells with you and will be in you. I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you." Maybe that's the real adoption story here. Jack is the focus of so much of our family's life right now, but long before he was the tiniest blip of our radar screen we were each grafted into the body of Christ and adopted as heirs of the kingdom. "For He chose us in Him before creation of the world to be holy and blameless in His sight. In love He predestined us to be adopted as His sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with His pleasure and will - to the praise of His glorious grace, which He has freely given us in the One He loves." (Eph. 1:4-6)
Will I screw up again? Oh, definitely. Most likely before I even get this blog proofread and posted, but that doesn't mean I will give up the fight. Let the devil punch me, let him try his hardest to shove me off course. Might he win a skirmish here and there? Probably. And I am sure this is not the last taste of morning sickness I will experience in this journey, but I also know that despite my daily battles "..the victory belongs to the Lord." (Proverbs 21:31) So, as one of my favorite Steven Curtis Chapman songs says - "I didn't come lookin' for trouble, and I don't want to fight needlessly... But if it's gonna make me grow stronger then... Bring it on!"
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