A Labor of Love

So I was hanging my maternity clothes the other day, getting them ready to sell at an upcoming consignment sale.  The mission - sell as much as I can to earn as much as I can to pay as much of the homestudy fee as we can.  The feeling - a little bit of sorrow, a little bit of whimsy and a whole bunch of nostalgia.

I don't think I ever really realized how much I enjoyed being pregnant while I was actually pregnant.  I don't know, maybe I did and it is just that I have forgotten, but either way I was surprised by the good feelings and happy thoughts that played through my head as I smoothed, and hung, and adjusted each piece.  Remembering a favorite shirt, a super comfy pair of pants, that outfit I was wearing when, at 8 months pregnant, my co-workers made fun of me for "finally" looking a little bit pregnant that day.  A fun trip down memory lane, of course, but an easy one too.

As I made each piece hang just right on its hanger I couldn't help but smile over this pregnancy too.  The "paper pregnancy" it is called in the adoption world.  That time you spend filling out forms, getting things notarized, shuffling envelopes from one government office to the next.  All of the planning and answering of life-analyzing questions: "What was your childhood like?", "How much money do you make?", "What type of parent are you?".  In some ways it seems so ridiculous.  No one has to jump through all of these hoops to have a biological child.  No one is sitting in the obstetrician's office critiquing the life of the soon-to-be parents filing through.  And yet, here in the adoption world, every aspect of the adoptive family's life is scrutinized as if under a microscope, each person's history picked apart with a fine-toothed comb.  And yet the whole thing just makes me smile.

You see, I've been here before.  I've done the paper pregnancy thing already and much like being physically pregnant it too brings with it a wash of nostalgia.  Sweet memories which, thankfully, help to drown out the voices of the not-so-sweet ones.  Wonderful results which help to portray the delays and frustrations of the waiting process in a now more humorous light.  Stories which can be shared with other adoptive families, sometimes easing anxiety, sometimes providing a listening ear or comforting shoulder, and hopefully more often than not relaying the goodness with which God provides the perfect answers in His perfect time.

You see, I've been here before, and just as my physical pregnancies each played out in their own ways, so do the paper ones.  And this one is no different.  I have had to stop using the word amazing to describe what God has done in the few short weeks we've been on this journey.  Amazing just doesn't cut it anymore.  It doesn't work.  God  provided the means for us to locate the son He hand-picked for us in a matter of hours.  He has provided all of the funds we have needed to pay so far through His goodness and the graciousness of friends we didn't even know a mere six weeks ago.  Two weeks ago we launched a virtual bake sale to raise as much as we could to cover the $2050 agency fee we will be paying next week.  Tonight we are a mere $220 shy of raising the full amount.  And that is with three or four "sellers" having yet to relay their sale numbers.  And this morning it was confirmed that we will have three opportunities this weekend to bring our need before our church body, giving us the opportunity to raise funds for our $2084 homestudy fee also due this week.  See what I mean?  Amazing?  No.  That word just isn't the right one anymore.  It's not big enough.  Not "God" enough.  What I need is a word that means dumbfounded, flabbergasted, grateful, satisfied, knew-you-could, Praise-the-Lord and you-were-right all rolled up in one.  And amazing just doesn't do it.

I'll be honest with you, I'm not really sure where we go from here.  Everything has gone so smoothly so far a little bit of me is still waiting for the bad news.  But with everyday that passes, that little bit gets a little smaller.  There is no doubt here.  This is God's plan.  And God is in control.  The awesome, life-offering, all-controlling, omnipotent King has set this all in motion and it is certainly not for us to question how, when or why.  So, for now, I will throw my amazing word into the wind and simply sit back and wait for what He will bestow on us next.  Do I expect this journey to be all daisies and roses?  No, I have yet to see any pregnancy, paper or physical, that is.  But I certainly know we have the best gardener in charge so I plan to smell as many of those roses as I can.  Do I still struggle daily with letting go of the little things and trusting He will come through as He promised.  Yes, in all honesty I do.  I know He's going to do it, I know His plan is in motion, but that doesn't stop me from being me.  And it doesn't stop Him from laughing at me while He makes me wait and work on my patience, but the good news is I am learning to laugh with Him and that is definitely worth the struggle.

So tomorrow I will go back to hanging up clothes and preparing for the consignment sale.  I will prepare my poster and table so I am ready for church and presenting our message to a new group of friends.  And I will most likely spend a good amount of time glancing out the front window watching for the little white truck to go by so I can see what wonders the Lord has brought in the mail.  For this is a labor of love.  A time of watching and waiting, a time of preparing for a lifetime of joy with our son.  A time to focus on Him and follow His lead.  And a time for rejoicing "for the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor. No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly."  Psalm 84:11