It’s Not Supposed To Be This Hard

**Let me preface this with a quick disclaimer.  Dan has been out of town almost all of the past week which has left me playing both mom and dad.  One of our daughters has reacted to this change in schedule by being even more hyper than usual and another has been pushing her limits and mom’s patience all week.  And I have been pushing myself physically to try to be ready to run (rather than walk) a 5K next Saturday.  So… yes, I am completely exhausted.  And yes I realize that a lot of what I am feeling tonight will compute much differently in the morning – more excitement coupled with much less jealousy – but that doesn’t change the way I feel right now and this is simply a document of right here and right now and that is a reaction to the events of the last few days.

This may or may not be a good thing to blog about, but if I am going to be honest and keep a true and accurate record of this journey, then I have to include this too.  You see tonight I am quite a bit excited, very much jealous, but above all sad.

Yesterday I had a Facebook friend share with me that while on a medical mission trip to Luoyang last week he had the chance to briefly visit Jack.  Due to restrictions at the orphanage he was unable to get us any new pictures, but he was able to give Jack a big hug for us and at least let us know that he is doing okay.  This news blessed and warmed my heart as it was good to get an updated report and know that at least someone has been able to love on our boy just a bit, but it also makes me miss him even more. 

Also, on Friday our wonderful friends who started their adoption process just two weeks before us received their travel approval from China and are at this moment gathering supplies and packing for their trip.  They will be leaving on Tuesday night to go pick up their daughter from the very orphanage Jack is living in right now – their Gotcha Day being at the end of this month.  Again, this blesses and warms my heart, but it also leaves me longing in the extreme for our days of travel.

In addition, just today two more adoption friends received their travel approval and will be traveling either with the above family or a couple weeks after to bring home two more precious children, one of which who is also at Jack’s orphanage.

To wrap things up even more, two of my wonderful Maria’s trip friends will leave their homes in Australia at the end of this week to head back to Maria’s on their second mission trip to China.   

So, as you can see… it seems like everyone is heading to China – Whoo Hoo!! EXCEPT ME. (and Dan)   =(     Understand the wide range of emotions now?

I can honestly say I am truly so very excited for all five of my friends who will be heading to Beijing over the next couple weeks and for those who just returned.  They are all traveling for such wonderful reasons and I know that God has placed them all in their journies just where He needs them.  But I can’t help but be just a wee bit jealous as we are still here waiting for our Letter of Approval.  28 days and counting... Half of me is jumping for joy for them, but the other half just wants to shout “It’s not fair!” 

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t begrudge anyone anything – every one of these people has worked hard and waited long to be where they are, but it’s not supposed to be this hard.  Yes, I am tired, but my heart is literally aching to reach out and be the one to give those hugs to Jack.  Why can’t he come home now?  Right now there is a little voice inside my head just screaming, “Hasn’t he done his time?  He is four years old!  He has lived in an orphanage long enough.  It is time for him to be HOME!!“  It is simply breaking my heart  to think that in the coming weeks so many beautiful children will be home with their families, tucked into their own cozy beds, while Jack spends yet another two months (at least) in a cold impersonal orphanage.  I have never been a fan of his being moved out of Maria Big House of Hope way back in December, but with all that is going on right now it makes it even worse.  And the thought has certainly not escaped me that my Aussie friends cannot even love on him for me because he isn’t at Maria’s anymore. Not to mention that until we get that LOA we can’t even expect an update from our agency.  It just doesn’t seem fair.

So, do I sound like an ungrateful brat?  Childish?  Immature?  Petty and jealous?  Are you wondering where all of that “God is Great!” unwavering faith has gone?  Well, have no fear, it is still here.  I have not lost my way, just my pep and enthusiasm.  I know deep down that everything happens for a reason and that God is ultimately in control.  As much as it sucks (sorry, but there is no better term for it) that our paperwork was delayed by so many stupid obstacles and we are now so far behind a family we started alongside, I do know that God has His reasons.  But I don’t believe having solid, unwavering faith means you can’t also be completely human and right now this is how I feel.  It is at times like this I truly wonder if it would be better to have not met him yet.  To have no memories of him sitting in my lap, of the sound of his laughter or the vision of his smile.  No pictures to pine after.  No friends sharing messages, memories and updates with me.  But then again the reality is I wouldn’t trade a single one of those things for all the tea in China. 

I love my adoption friends dearly and I am greatly blessed to have made so many new ones traveling parallel adoption paths.  Having gone down the adoption road twice before in almost complete isolation it is such a joy to share the journey with so many God-fearing families with such similar hearts this time.  I cannot be any more excited for them than I am and I would never wish a single unnecessary day in an orphanage on any child in this world, but that doesn't change the fact that I still want my son home.  And I still want him home NOW!  Fair enough?  I thought you might understand. 

So, yes, after a good night’s sleep tonight I’m sure I will be handling all of this better in the morning.  Things will not seem so overwhelming, my focus will be back on the prize not the struggle, but for right now I need to do what is right for me which is to let my heart grieve and my sorrow be real.  Tonight I will allow myself to dwell a bit in my self-pity, shed a few tears for our son and his current situation, and I will praise the Lord that even when things seem so dark and lonely He is still in control.  Although I can only see a small glimmer of His plan right now I know that “all things work together for good to those who love God” and I know that our family’s day is coming.

And I will leave you all with this...  Zài jiàn (good bye) my dear, dear traveling friends.  Màn zǒu (take care).  Yī lù shùn fēng (have a good trip) and may you be blessed beyond imagination.  I will pray for each of you each day of your journeys.  And for those of you who are returning a larger family than you begin, gōng xǐ (congratulations)！You have fought the good fight, and your race is all but run.  =)   Travel safe!  Wo ai ni!

再见！慢走。路顺风。恭喜！我爱你！

Chinese Proverb:    “Be not afraid of going slowly; be only afraid of standing still.”

“I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.”  John 14:18

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight.”  Proverbs 3:5-6

“And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.”  Romans 8:28