When we first brought Becca home from China Dan and I discussed often which of our two Chinese-born children would have a harder time accepting the events surrounding her adoption. Both Jolene and Becca were adopted as infants, but each girl has a very different early history. I won’t go into detail here as I have not asked their permission to share, but suffice it to say one child was abandoned upon birth and the other spent at least a little time in a private setting before being turned over to state custody.
We have always assumed that this difference in time between birth and relinquishment would become a force to be reckoned with as the girls each grieved the losses of their Chinese birth parents and came to terms with the events which brought them to where they are today. Being abandoned on your birthday begs many questions, most all starting with the word “why”. Being abandoned after spending a few weeks in someone’s personal care begs its own set of “why” questions, but also opens the door to many others regarding those missing pieces in the timeline. For two girls in the same family the similarities are tremendous, but the differences stark. Comparing the two situations it is only natural for one to question why her story is not like the other’s or why her birth parents did things another way. And these are all things we have been preparing ourselves and our girls to eventually deal with as they grow older and process more of the life-story God has given them. For our girls, dealing with these issues is the reality of adoption, but the other day I was hit square in the face with a different adoption reality.
From the moment we began discussing the possibility of Jack’s adoption, I have realized that his story is very different from that of our two Chinese daughters. Not only is Jack’s a special needs adoption, which makes his process slightly different from the girls’, but he is also an older child who has spent a significantly longer amount of time in institutionalized care. Where our girls spent the early months of their lives in an orphanage, Jack will have spent years there. Where our girls came home young enough that they no longer have conscious memories of their time in institutionalized care, Jack will come home remembering nothing else.
And then there is the matter of pictures. We have no photographs, no notes, no little pieces of the puzzle that makes up the early time of Jolene and Becca’s lives, but that also is vastly different in Jack’s case. When we received our referrals for Jolene and Becca we also received a few picture of each girl, two or three shots of a little girl on toy she looked completely unfamiliar with. For Jack, we received multiple pictures at various ages from our adoption agency when we were first matched, we have access to a plethora of photos taken by various mission trip members who have travel to China with Show Hope, and we even have a picture of Jack and I together that I took! All that, and we haven’t even gotten that dumb home study finalized yet. What an incredible difference! Just looking through the albums of photos taken by my own mission trip companions I can find a multitude of pictures of Jack, his roommates, his care givers and his long-term home. That, in and of itself, is remarkable, and something that our girls will (sadly) never have.
Then there is the subject of Life Books. I don’t know if you are familiar with the term of not, but these would be the adoption version of a baby book I suppose. It is a place to write the story of your adopted child’s beginnings. To record the few things you do know about their personal history and to give explanation to many of the things you don’t know. I have written such a book for both Jolene and Becca. (I must admit that Becca’s has never been assembled – bad mother of “twins” I never quite got the scrapbooking part done among work and babies – but am determined to complete it now that I’ve posted this…) And I hope that these books will someday be of great value to both girls as they grieve their losses and embrace their blessings. But with Jack, I’m not quite sure how to begin such a project.
I used a template to get started with the girls, and some of the basics are of course the same – facts about China, our waiting and working to bring him home, etc., but that is where the similarities stop and the differences start to impact reality. How do you find the words to explain to a little boy why, in a country that values sons more than daughters, he was given away? How do you explain that while many orphaned children are abandoned as wee infants, he was relinquished to the state after living with a family for a year’s time. I just have a feeling this book is going to be gut-wrenching to write and one tough read when it’s finished. And yes, I know that the power of the story is in the ending that comes with it – that truth and glory that God put all of the pieces of Jack’s life together in such a way so that he might find his way to the family God had designed just for him - but that doesn’t make the opening passages less of a heartache to piece together.
I have long been a supporter of orphan care and specifically adoption. It is close to our hearts and we recommend it very highly, but today my heart breaks for the very sad realities of the adoption story Jack will have. I know his birthparents loved him. If they hadn’t, things would be very different in his story. They made a choice that I cannot even fathom having to make – a choice between letting go and saving their son’s life or holding on tight and allowing his medical needs to consume him. I cannot imagine the inner struggle that must accompany a decision such as that one. Yes, both of our daughters began their lives with parents who could not keep them, but for some reason those stories are easier for me to accept. Perhaps that is because both of our girls were loved so much that a choice was made to provide them with life and a future in a country were abortion is accepted, available and often encouraged. Perhaps it is because theirs is the “typical” story for children being adopted from China – girls losing their family amidst a culture less accepting of them. But Jack is not a girl. His story is not “typical”. His orphan story is not short and confined to the first year of his life. In reality the first year of his life could probably not be any more different than the first year of our girls’ for his story of adoption didn’t begin until after that year was over. That is the reality of his life story. That is the reality of his personal history. And if that reality doesn’t impact your heart in some small, uncomfortable way then I’m not sure you’ve really been listening.
I was reminded of this scripture the other day while watching the latest Veggie Tales movie: “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11) It is here in this verse that I find comfort in Jack’s story and it is most likely from here that I will begin his life book. Jack’s story may not be “typical”. It may not be what people expect for a Chinese adoption, but it is his story and it is the story that God put into place within His incredible plan. God has a plan for Jack, a plan of hope and a plan for a future. A rough path to follow to bring him into his own, perhaps, but Jack’s reality, I truly believe, will eventually be his crowning glory as he tells the world how his God was so big and so powerful He is able to care for the smallest of orphans and give them hope.
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