So, “The Ultimate Girl’s Night” is over and it didn’t do as well as I had hoped, but I think I am slowly getting over that. As I wrote in my last blog, “it is what it is” and now I must move on. In hindsight, I am very thankful to have written that blog on Friday (thank you, sister-in-law Carrie, for prompting me to write), as its message has helped me a great deal through my struggle to keep things in perspective these couple of days after. I have been really frustrated with the small outcome of the event and have really wrestled with how much to share with you here and how exactly to explain things so that my comments don’t come out all wrong or unintentionally offend someone. After having a short chat with my loving sister-in-law these evening, however, I think I’m going to try.
First of all, I want to make one thing VERY clear. As I reflect on the events of Friday night, I am in no way frustrated or upset with anyone involved with the "Ultimate Girl’s Night Out" other than myself. Dan and I have been very blessed by others’ generosity and we are very grateful to be approximately $400 closer to our bill paying goal of $2500. We would never have had those dollars in our adoption fund if it had not been for the vendors, the helpers, the shoppers, the donators, and the many, many prayers lifted over our plans. All of those prayers, plans and people came together in a wonderful way to support our efforts to bring Jack home, and they are all now a part of his story. To each of you, we are very grateful. Friday truly was a success if you look at the contributions of our immediate community of support.
But… All of that said, that myriad of positive things simply does not balance out all of the negative things I have been carrying around in my heavy heart for the past 48 hours. I’m going to be very honest here, okay? (I’ll assume you just said “yes”, because otherwise you probably wouldn’t still be reading this blog anymore anyway, right?) If nothing else, I am sure that by now you know my writing well enough to know I don’t sugarcoat much. If I’m going to log in and tell my story, I am going to say what is true - and what is true right now is that I failed. I have failed Jack, failed my family, and failed to hit a financial mark that we so desperately needed to hit before our homestudy is finalized. My deepest fear is that our homestudy will be completed, but will just sit here stagnant while we wait for funds to appear so that we can pay the next agency fee and move further forward in this journey. Truthfully, I am very disappointed in myself. I am saddened that I did not provide a better turnout for my vendors. I am frustrated that I used one of our precious fund-raising opportunities for an event that didn’t turn nearly the profit we need to hit that aforementioned mark. And I am simply mad at myself for not being able to “pull this off” – that I didn’t inspire people to step up, that I wasn’t able to sell the idea, and that I did not manage to reach out and find a responsive audience. For the past two days these feelings have really run the gauntlet – anger, frustration, sadness, disappointment, depression. If it fits in the “yuck” category I’ve probably been there – and I've probably been there more than once.
But, believe it or not, this is not all bad news...In addition to all the words I could sit here and list in the “yuck” category, I have also felt some other things. I have experienced hopefulness, assurance, joy, satisfaction, determination and peacefulness, to name just a few. As much as I have struggled with myself about my failures and shortcomings, I also know that ultimately God is in control. In all reality, I turned Friday night over to Him and gave Him full control before, during and after the event so this really isn’t about me at all. Am I happy with the outcome – yes and no, I covered that above. But do I trust that He has a plan for the next step of this journey? Absolutely. Where is the rest of the money going to come from? I have absolutely no idea. Will we have to wait a long time for it? Again, I have absolutely no idea. Will our financial shortcomings mean a delay in our process and a later trip to bring Jack home? Once again, I have absolutely no idea. But when I cut through all of my own “all about me” pity-party crap, I know that it doesn’t really matter what I know. God knows. And God has a plan. And God’s plans are always way better than mine, even if they run contrary to my planning. And that I absolutely do know.
So, for now I will drop this topic here. Hopefully you aren’t too put off by my whining and complaining and wallowing in self-pity. And hopefully you truly understand how very grateful I am to all who chose to be even the smallest part of our "Ultimate Girl’s Night Out". It is what it is, and it will always be just that. Nothing can be changed about it now. When the online sales close on Friday and the vendor donations are posted, we will see the final result of the effort. But as I said on Friday, huge success or small victory it all belongs to the Lord so I will simply pray that it may all be to the praise of His glorious grace.
Finally, I would like to leave you with a few scripture passages which have been running through my mind these past couple of days. They have helped me stay centered on the things that are true, fight back against the voices of doubt and depression, and remain focused on the things that really count. I pray that they may speak to you as well. Thank you for continuing on this journey with us, your support is immeasurably precious.
Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths.”
Psalm 37:4-5 “Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him, and He will act."
Psalm 55:22 “Cast your burden on the Lord, and He will sustain you; He will never permit the righteous to be moved.”
Isaiah 41:10 “Fear not, for I am with you, be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.”
Hebrews 12:1-3 “…let us run with perseverance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus the pioneer and perfecter of our faith…”
Romans 12:1-2 “I appeal to you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that you may prove what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”
James 1:27 "Religion that is pure and undefiled before God and the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world."
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